About the Real Stages of Grief

On By ResaIn Creative Writing, Interviews

by: D.G. Kaye

How does one review a heart, soul and mind book like this? Does one say it’s well written? It answers very human questions in an ordinary way that all can understand? Many of us will go through this, so it’s a helpful read?

A Journey Through Loss

Written by D.G.Kaye, after the death of her husband, the love of her life; this helpful book speaks from the pain of experience. She is not a therapist, nor a psychiatrist, nor a professional healer of any sort. And she is right up front about that fact.

In her own words “I devoured books on everything from grief to the afterlife, always striving to make sense of the roller coaster ride I was on,”

I think the best way to impart something more of this book is to speak directly to D. G.

Resa – The cover of your book has the words: Shock, Fog, Anger, Triggers, Guilt, Anxiety and Denial swirling in a circle. At first I thought the words were repeating in order, but upon a closer look, I realize that they are not in any order, but do repeat. How did you come up with it? Why the words are not in any order?

D.G. –  For this cover, the concept came to me immediately.

Grief is like an ongoing spiral with ups and downs. The words inside are just some of the phases grievers experience. The fact that the words are in no particular order and some not repeated is precisely how grief works.

We may visit phases over and over again through time, and some may dissipate with time. Thus, the grief spiral  is far from linear but, more chaotic.

It was above 0c and cloudy out, not a peep of sun in the sky. A perfect day to shoot a shadow free piece of wall art, that seemed perfect for this post. It was only a 20 minute walk to get there.

 Suddenly, as I arrived, it became a sunny day with nary a cloud in the sky. There was a barren tree’s shadow over the painting. I shot it anyway. To me, there is something poetic in this image, that relates to grief – something about the shadow.


Resa – Debby, can you see why I think that? Can you put it into words? 

D.G. – Oh wow Resa. I love the shot with the tree’s shadow. If I were to relate it to grief I would say that when you love deep, it’s like carrying sunshine in your heart. And when you lose that love of your life, despite all the horribleness, there will be days when the obstinate clouds clear and the sun shines through, although the shadow of grief is never too far away.

Resa – Perfectly, poetically and profound said.

After the pics were taken, there was still not a cloud in the sky. So, I hopped on a streetcar, heading home. About 3 stops later, Suddenly, it clouded over. There was nary a crack of sun to find. 

Resa – This seemed mystical to me, Debby. Does this touch you, or am I just a sentimental fool? 

D.G. – Oh no Resa, you may be sentimental – like me, but no fool. I love that you were working on this post and came across these poignant images in your travels.

Remembering that grief is love with nowhere to go, the image reminds that even without sunshine, the shadow of love always sticks with us. Not to mention, it reminds me of the Tree of Life – rain or shine, we are branches off the Tree of Life where memories live deep within, sometimes shadowed, but always there.

In the book D.G. writes:

“In the aftermath comes the loss of us. Our grief replaces replaces the lives we once knew.”

Resa – Has writing this book been cathartic? Has it helped you to replace that life lost, with a new life?

D.G. – In some ways this book was cathartic to write, but in many other ways, it was difficult to write; because to write, dredging the info up meant remembering moments that could take my breath away and have me leaving the computer for an emotional break.

In no way did writing this book help to replace that ‘life lost’, as nothing ever could. That life is no longer tangible, but seared in my heart.

But, the book offers a lot of understanding of the trials and tribulations of the process of grieving through time, understanding that it’s difficult to let go of a life you’re familiar with when it’s snatched from you, with the importance of eventually finding our way back into a new way of living.

Thank you to D.G. Kaye (Debby to her pals) for her time answering my questions! Debby, I appreciate this more than I can say!

Meet D.G. Kaye

Congratulations to Debby for being officially in the top 5% of Goodreads Reviewers!

About D.G. Kaye

About the Real Stages of Grief is available world wide at Amazon.

Click on book cover to go to the purchase page on Amazon.com

“Personally, I don’t believe there is any cure for grief. It’s not a disease that we will get over and feel better about tomorrow. Rather, it’s a new addition to our lives, one we must become acquainted with.” – D. G. Kaye

Pics taken by Resa – 2023 – 2025

Toronto, Canada

The artists in vertical order:

The Dreamers, Julia Praza, One Day Creates, Unknown, Blackburn, Unknown, Chris Perez, Vizla Bacon, Blazeworks, Adrain Corne

197 thoughts on “About the Real Stages of Grief”

  1. Debby, You’ve done a huge service by writing this book. Grieving is the hardest thing in life , perhaps with the exception of the loss. Thank you for writing this, it must have been cathartic and soul crushing at the same time. Sending you love .

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    2. Thank you so much Holly. In my searches for some kind of understanding and solace, I came across many in forums who were in the same boat wondering if they are the only ones who experience – this and that. So after I got out of my vegetated state after my greatest loss, I decided to write about the real things about grief we, who’ve lost, experience, hoping it would be helpful to others. And yes, absolute soul crushing. 🧡🧡

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    1. You are welcome!
      Sending love back, dear Holly.
      Debby wrote a really good book for us. The crazy thing is that her experience gained knowledge is applicable beyond the loss of a much loved spouse.
      xoxoxoxoxo

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      1. She really has Resa. You have to dig deep to write about the grief humans feel with the loss of things that they have built their lives around. Which reminds me of Stevie Nicks “Landslide”.
        xoxoxoxoxo

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  3. Debby, I’m so sorry for your loss! I imagine, as Rene wrote, that writing this book must have been both “cathartic and soul crushing.” I’m certain that your book will help many process their own grief. Wishing you all the best.

    Resa, I love the tree-shadowed painting–the first shot in particular. It does seem poignant.

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    2. Thanks so much Merrill. Yes, Rene captured it perfectly – both cathartic and extremely soul crushing. And I do hope it is helpful for others, as well as those who’ve not experienced great loss yet and would like to understand the process of what grievers experience so they can learn how to be around a griever without feeling useless. 😘

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  4. Michael Sammut's avatar Michael Sammut

    A great meaningful book. Very striking book cover too. It makes a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing Resa. As for the art works… fantastic.

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    3. Dear Martha,

      I am listening to Beautiful Strangers on your blog at this moment. It’s fabulous. I have enjoyed her sounds and those of The Staple Singers for many years. It is R&B at it’s best.

      The drabble is short, but a cool lesson. Very well written, Martha.

      Yes, the homeless situation is terrible here, too. What to do? As the wealthy get richer, hogging more and more of the planet’s wealth, the middle classes are struggling to keep up. The wealthy need to help out more.

      The frozen Partnach Gorge is spectacular! Thank you for that shot!

      Please pardon me for not commenting on your blog, but I cannot go into Spam, even if you will rescue me in a day or 2. The moment I go into a Spam, many of my comments on other blogs go into Spam.

      I hope you understand!

      ❦🕊 ~ ❀✾❤︎✾❀ ~ ❦🕊

      Reply

      1. I confesss, dear Resa, that Mavis Staples music has been totally unknown for me before. But now I’m a fan of her.

        I do love writing drabbles. Thank you!

        I fully agreee! Governments should tax the rich much more! Theoretically, there’s enough money for all people in the world to guarantee everybody a decent life. And it is a shame that there are homeless and poor people in the most richest countries of the world!

        The Partnach Gorge is also completely frozen this year! 🙂

        Dear Resa, I’m so sorry that you have this problems commenting on my blog. You can send me your comments via E-Mail, and I will put it on the blog for you.

        Stay safe, and have a good and carefree week! xoxo

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  6. Great and poignant conversation, Resa and Debby — and the images really added to it. The loss of a loved one is devastating; writing about it (I did that myself as part of a 2012 book) helps a little but of course only a little.

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    1. Thank you Dave!
      Yes, loss of loved ones is not easy. I’m grateful Debby has helped us, by helping herself, even if as you say, “of course only a little.”

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  7. Resa, thank you for sharing this beautiful and personal interview/chat between you and Debby. I’ve read this book and in the process of writing a review and definitely not easy with such a subject matter. It is touching to read Debby’s answers here, and understandably a very difficult book to write and to revisit the emotions in detail must have been heartbreaking. Oh, I love her thoughts on your photograph, the shadow of grief never far away even on the sunniest of day. Bless. hugs to you both xx

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    1. Dear Annika,
      You are right! It is not easy to write a review about this. Having a chat with Debby helped me pull it together.
      I adore her frankness and honesty in talking about this subject.
      I look forward to your review.
      That tree shadow photo was a poignant experience I’ll never forget.
      Hugs back to you! xx
      Hugs for Debby! xx

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    2. Hi Annika. So nice to see you here, and thanks for your beautiful comment. I’m excited you read my book and look forward to hearing what you took from it, when you get to the review. Hugs 🧡🧡

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  10. Debby is an excellent writer and blogging friend.. And reading your conversation, I can only imagine how difficult this book must have been to write. And the analogy between you taking the photos of the mural with the shadows.. Again, nothing is by chance… And like Debby said… those shadows are constantly within you, even when we see are embracing the Sun… A lovely conversation between you both Resa… And I loved your lay out and the images you presenting, each one a meaningful addition to those stages of grief.. Much love to you both xx ❤ 🙏💖

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    1. I feel like you say, Sue, nothing is by chance.
      Debby’s analogy is brilliant.
      It’s been a life journey reading her book, chatting with her, and doing this post.
      She’s a wonderful person, and I am honoured to know her.
      Love to you, Sue! xoxo💙💓

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    2. Hello Sue. How lovely to see you here. And thank you my friend for your lovely comment. As you and I know well, everything does happen for a reason, and those tree shadows on Resa’s photography were definitely not by chance. 💜 Love and hugs back at you Sue 💜💜❌⭕

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  12. Debby is one of my favorite bloggers and writers. I always appreciate the honesty with which she writes in her memoirs. Readers want to identify with the writer, and one way this happens is by the author building trust by sharing the ups and downs of their life, which we can all relate to.

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    1. HI Pete. Thank you so much for your very kind words. That’s me, honest, forthright, and always ready to call out injustice – even if it’s not asked for. LOL. 😊 😊

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    2. I agree, Pete!
      This is my 3rd Debby book. The other 2 had terrific moments of hilarity. She has a wonderful sense of humour about life.

      Of course, this book is a departure.
      I’m hoping one day she will write another of her memoirs, her wit back in action, despite the eternal shadow of grief.

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  13. Resa, what a thoughtful and compassionate reflection. Grief is so difficult to speak about honestly, and what comes through here is the understanding that it is not something to be explained away or neatly ordered. Debby is an extraordinary writer. Her compassion comes through as she describes grief as a spiral rather than a straight line. That feels deeply true to lived experience. Pairing her words with images and conversation creates a kind of shared space, one where reflection, memory, and presence can coexist. There is something quietly healing about this kind of collaboration. When art, lived experience, and listening come together without trying to resolve grief, but simply allowing it to be acknowledged and seen. Thank you for holding space for that Debby and Resa. This is a wonderful, wonderful conversation.

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    2. Dearest Rebecca,
      Thank you so much for your considerate comment.
      I am relieved… even somewhat happy that this post is being so well received.

      It was important for me to be appropriate and tasteful, not maudlin.

      I adore Debby, and want her to know I commiserate and thank her for all she has shared.
      What a gal!
      Hugs!

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          1. Well Sistah G….I remember your posts and your brave words when you were left alone in darkness. And yet you kept going however you were disintegrating inside, whatever of the spirals you were in. And here you are, not just still standing but collaborating with Resa, on this inspiring post. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx .

            .

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            1. You remember well my sister! I am touched. It’s hard to keep me down for too long. My way of pulling through the sludge is keep writing and the hope that my book could possibly help others. And of course, my mantra on life – one day at a time. xoxoxoxo

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  15. It’s amazing how one great book and one amazing artist combines forces and create an sensational post that truly ignites the senses, Reza. I love the words the artists , the captures and how you brought this to light in living color, Resa. It’s just gorgeous. Debbie has to be elated! She’s an amazing writer!!! xxx

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    1. Thank you so much Cindy. Resa put together a most beautiful post, and I’m over the moon that my book has made the subject of another of her magnificent posts. Hugs xo

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    2. Thank you Cindy!
      Yes, I want Debby to be happy with this post, too.
      It is an inspiring book, in spite of…or perhaps because of its subject matter.
      Debby did great! xxxx💙

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  16. I can’t forget: “…grief is love with nowhere to go.”

    This sounds like a very powerful book. Thank you for writing it, Debby for writing it and Resa for bringing it to us in such a powerful way.

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    1. You are so right Jo. You can’t offer advice because everyone’s grief is unique. But one thing is certain, all grievers will go through some or all of the stages, and as a griever myself, I felt comfort around those who wore the same shoes. 😊

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  20. Resa. Thank you so much for this most beautiful presentation. Do know that I appreciate all the work you put into this post with your questions and always spectacular artwork. It’s always an honour to have one of your most creative reviews for one of my books. Thank you again. 🧡💛💚💜❌⭕❌

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  21. Thank you Debby and Resa for this beautiful and profound post!! The mural is absolutely astounding and I love the representation of grief as well as hope that you outlined here with the clouds, sun and shadows.

    Debby, I’m so touched by what you wrote, “… when you love deep, it’s like carrying sunshine in your heart…” That really moved me, as I have lost so many loved ones over the years, and each loss affects me differently.

    Thank you for imparting your experience to all of us… grief is such a universal thing that each and every one of us won’t ever be exempt from.

    Blessings to you both! ‭❤ ❦ ♡ ♥ 🕊️.ೃ࿔

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    1. HI Ruth. Your comment is eloquent. It seems you do understand the many faces of grief. Thank you for your kind words. Like you said, nobody will ever be exempt from grief and that’s why I wrote the book to help people understand the many faces of grief. 💜

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    2. Thank you, Ruth!
      Yes, that mural and the sun and clouds was a mystic experience.

      Debby’s book contains many profound words. I’m sure it’s going to help many who read it.

      I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and comment Ruth. You are dealing with a lot where you live
      💙❦ ~ ✿❤︎✿ ✾ ✿❤︎✿ ~ ❦💙

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        1. xxooxxoo❦🕊 ~ 𝓿𝓿❀❤︎❀𝓿𝓿 ~ 🕊❦
          I just read your mail. It’s a bit late, so I’ll write back tomorrow!
          I sure hope I can meet Ivan.
          I will try!

          Reply

  23. Resa, this fun artsy take on an interview was creative and done very well. Also, I enjoyed D.G.Kaye’s book and this interview really highlighted many strengths of her book.

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  24. You probably know, dear Resa, that I could speak at length about grief since losing loved ones has shaped my life. Still, I believe it is important to allow the grief to unfold fully. This process can help us move beyond the sadness.

    Anyway, it’s a great interview with D.G. I fully understand her feelings; thank you both!

    🤗❣️💛🥀

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    2. You are welcome, Aladin!
      Yes, I understand you have been through a lot of loss in your life.
      I’ve seen news out of Iran. You must feel… I can’t imagine.
      xo💙❦xo

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  25. This is a very beautiful post. There is something impermanent and sorrowful about the shadow of the tree on the yellow full moon background. The flower paintings are also gorgeous. I have Debby’s book and am gearing myself up to read it.

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    2. Thank you so much Robbie. I will look forward to your thoughts when you get to it. Impermanent and sorrowful is a great description of the image, Robbie. 🧡

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  27. Pingback: Sunday Book Review Special – About the Real Stages of Grief – Graffiti Lux Art & More – Resa McConahy Interview and Review with D.G. Kaye – DGKayewriter.com

  28. Thanks, Resa. This is a beautiful review of a book by an author and blogger I’ve known for quite a while. I’ve followed her account of her husband’s illness, and I always thought her book about grief would be meaningful and inspiring to many people. Your interview and the images you’ve included in the review are wonderful. Very moving.

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    1. Thank you Olga for your very kind words. Resa’s interview and review were a wonderful way to express the messages in my book. I am very moved by the post and the comments here. Thanks for hopping over. 🧡🧡

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    2. Thank you Olga!

      It was during Debby’s tribulation when her husband was ill, that I first encountered her. We became more of blog pals after his passing.

      I adore her joie de vie, in spite of all the pain. She really is something, a wonderful person and in reading a couple of her older books, I discovered her fabulous sense of humour.

      I suppose those 2 innate positive aspects of her persona are part of how she has gotten through it all, and even managed to write a book about the grieving process.

      I hold much admiration and respect for her.

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  29. What an emotional, visual, and beautiful review of “The Real Stages of Grief.” Thank you for sharing this with us, Resa. I truly enjoyed all your gorgeous photographs of street art that went with this beautifully written review. Blessings to you and to the author, who writes on a difficult and heartfelt subject. Thank you.

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  30. What a great interview with Debbie! Grief, we will all face it one day and it can be a real rollercoaster. I’ll make sure to look for this book.

    And I love the way you added paintings into it – the one with the tree is absolutely perfect.

    Thank you Resa (and Debbie). Take good care of yourself 🧡🩵.

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Marie!
      It’s a worthwhile book to read, and it was an honour to do this post.
      Debby is a brave person to share her grief journey with us.
      💙🕊💙

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  31. D.L. Finn, Author's avatar D.L. Finn, Author

    I love this post. The artwork and photographs are beautiful. The trees shadow so insightful and a special catch. Great interview. I agree about this book, it will offer comfort to many. Xo

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Denise!
      I must say, doing this post on the topic of grief has been a journey unto itself.
      Again, thank you for coming to read and comment! XOXO

      Reply

  33. Beautiful post and review and conversation, Resa and Debby. So touching to read. It had a gentle approach, softened by all the graceful images, by your thoughtful questions, and Debby’s generous answers. The photo of the tree’s shadow on the mural seemed particularly symbolic. I think this book, would be a blessing to anyone suffering a loss, and to anyone supporting a griever. I’m delighted to see it here. ❤

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    1. Hi Diana. Thanks so much for hopping over here, and for your most lovely comment. I surely do hope my book can help others, that was why I wrote it. 💜 And such a beautiful treat to have it reviewed here by Resa and her very creative flair. Hugs xox

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    2. Thank you for you eloquent and generous comment, Diana!
      It was an honour to write about Debby’s book. Yes, it would be a blessing to many.

      That tree mural was one of those mystic happenings that I don’t question.

      I’m not just turtle reading, it seems like I am turtle living this January.
      However, I did do the pencil drawing part of 2 wedding gowns for LeLaine. I’ve decided that the drawings for this post will be 4 wedding gown ideas, and 1 or 2 for Catling’s outfit.
      🕊❤︎

      Reply

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